Things I Notice When I Am Depressed

Things that are objectively good and cheerful are laced with something that makes me feel intolerably sad, because they are objectively good and cheerful.

The sight of my 6 year-old curled up asleep and cuddling his toy dog is heart breaking because it is such a happy sight, because happiness seems stupid and shortlived, which means I feel that he will feel worse in the future because he felt happy now.

All problems seem insurmountable.

Talking to people who seem to care about me is physically painful.

I don’t feel that I deserve to be happy. 

It feels natural not to eat.

I just want to sleep, not because I’m tired but because I don’t want to be awake.

Nothing is interesting or nourishing.

The fact that I don’t always feel this way makes me feel like a fraud when I do feel like this, because it seems like with a different coin toss I wouldn’t have these thoughts or feelings.

This feeling feels an appropriate reaction to the world. 

I’m angry for no reason. I want to blame people for no cause.

I don’t like being touched, even by my children.

I feel like there is a reason for why I feel this way, but I can’t solve the reason.

Noise hurts, I’m convinced my skin is more sensitive.

I stammer.

When I feel this way, the memory of ever having felt anything different seems foolish and inappropriate.

I’ve felt this way five days out of the last seven. 

I might not feel this way when I wake up tomorrow, but the prospect of feeling like this in the future is impossible.

I don’t think I would feel depressed if I didn’t also feel love and empathy.

2 responses to “Things I Notice When I Am Depressed

  1. I think everyone goes through this Ian.Life is like a roulette wheel, somedays in the red and others in the black.Cherish your kids and the smiles they give you.I looked into mindfulness to help with my depression and found it very helpful.Hope things get better for you Ian and stay strong.John.

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